Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
