i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Drake has all the answers
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
