i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
