even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
