I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
