I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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