I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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