Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
