respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
