Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
