Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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