mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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