He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
