Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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