So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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