I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
