I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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