so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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