I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
