Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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