I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
