If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
