what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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