dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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