love makes seman taste better
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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