I wish my penis had an off switch
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
