I heard we made out
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
