you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
