i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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