mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
