I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
