I think my fart just growled at me.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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