Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
