I looked at my own cervix.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
