Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
