The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
