Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
