Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
