and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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