It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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