Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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