i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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