almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
