Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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