I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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