you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
