If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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