Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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