Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
