If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
