i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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