Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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