I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
