you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
