I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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